Not every image is captured.

In this day and age when cameras are at the ready, and in hand, when anything interesting is going on, not recording a moment is rare.

This morning I even thought about interrupting everything to find a camera, I’m glad I choose not to. Some images in life are meant for the memory of mind. This morning will be one of them for me.

My description won’t do it the justice that taking a photo might have, but I have no regrets.

This morning, the moon was big and in the trees. It caused a long and strong shadow of everything in its path and I stepped in. I stood in the still and quiet dawn, a bit earlier than I usually do, and today I watched my moon shadow practice. It was delicious and quite beautiful.

I watched Peet’s shadow calmly walk through the quiet action with his tail high, and as I raised my hands over my head, again I thought about stopping, grabbing the camera, and capturing the moment. Instead I filled the gap by staying and moved gently in the moon river.

I’ll admit creating a few more gaps by singing the Cat Stevens, Moon Shadow song in my head, yet, this morning, I totally enjoyed a practice that started at the moon in the very early dawn, came through the trees in Tunstall Bay, and moved gracefully into my memory bank.

I’m On My Way

(from the movie Paint Your Wagon.)

Gotta dream boy
Gotta song
Paint your wagon
And come along

Where am I goin’?
I don’t know
Where am I headin’?
I ain’t certain
All I know
Is I am on my way

When will I be there?
I don’t know
When will I get there?
I ain’t certain
All that I know
Is I am on my way

Gotta dream boy
Gotta song
Paint your wagon
And come along

Where am I goin’?
I don’t know
When will I be there?
I ain’t certain
What will I get?
I ain’t equipped to say

But who gives a damn?
Who gives a damn?
Who gives a damn?
We’re on our way

Where am I goin’?
I don’t know
Where am I headin’?
I ain’t certain
All that I know
Is I am on my way

Gotta dream boy
Gotta song
Paint your wagon
And come along

Where are we goin’?
I don’t know
When will we be there?
I ain’t certain
What will we get?
I ain’t equipped to say
But who gives a damn?
Who gives a damn?
We’re on our way!

My grandma’s name was Pearl. I am remembering her today as this marks the day in 2000 that she died. She was just short of her 100th birthday.

Grandma was a marvel. I loved her and she loved me. And I honestly believe it was her love for me and my knowledge of it, that gave me the safety net we all need to navigate life well. I believe I would be a lot more screwed up in this world had it not been for my Grandma.

Grandma was at my birth. She held me and rocked me and cried with joy when I came. And even though she always told me I was her favourite, she made sure all of her grandchildren knew that no matter what they did or how they did it; we would always — without question, be welcomed in her home, arms and heart.

I took her up on her offer many times.

I’ll give you a dollar if you didn’t just smile.

Before I started posting my ramblings here on the JJJ web site, I wrote on the JanParkerArts web site on a page called “from Jan’s Notebook.” I switched over to this site with the encouragement that others would be able to post comments on my 2 cent rambles. And some of you do.

Today, I am posting from my notebook. I’m not changing web sites, I just want to share a few one liners from notes I’ve taken over the years. Reading back over these, I will say I’ve had a lot of great lessons.

Here are just a few gems from the vault.
Combine your readings with some focused work.
Good push hands happens in the moment — not in the habit.
This is how your body moves. Your body!
Have a clear understanding of where you are, instead of worrying if you are in balance.
Look as if you are seeing from the inside.
Things are not a big deal when you know you are always adjusting.
Learn about regional awareness — how is your shoulder today?
Do you pay attention to the pirate or the land they occupy?
Body noises are detoxing — groan, moan, etc.
Do the practice — don’t get attached to the outcome or what happens.
To remove blocks stay real, don’t guess. Listen to where the pressure is.
If I make a forceful action, my destiny is decided.
Q. What should I do to achieve my goals? A. Find the path and practice.
Put a lesson in each touch.
It’s about choice, not over reacting.
Self cultivation is not enough, it must be passed on the community.
If you practice something that is repetitious and it changes… It becomes interesting.
Sort out the mechanics and then sort out the energies.
Work out issues and celebrate when shit isn’t shit anymore. (Perhaps my favourite!)
There is a time for putting up your feet and a time for rolling up your sleeves.
A zillion ways to make it work is different from how it works or that it works — let it work, make it work.
Work, work, work!

I am pondering the instructions “Let there be no gaps, interruptions or unevenness.”

I am just beginning to look at this principle from a new angle. I always thought gaps were to be avoided and filled in ASAP to smooth the uneven spots in my movement and mind. But if I only focused on the “let there be no”… part of this instruction, how can I know why a gap is there in the first place. Sometimes a gap is really important and an interruption is just what I need.

Working with addicts (and being one myself), this principle shines in the context of impulse control. There are time we need to be uncomfortable, and a gap in our thinking can jar us out of impulse, giving us the space and time to make a choice.

Addicts gets in trouble because we think or feel something and then MUST have it or act on it, NOW. For the active addict, there is no gap between a craving and using. The road to recovery is where we practice and nurture the need of a gap — an interruption between, what I think I right now and what is to my benefit in the long run.

More often than not, we need to take the time to sit with ourselves before giving into our actions. Waiting two-seconds, 10 minutes, even 24 hours before using is how progress is made and I can assure you even then, it’s a very uneven and bumpy path.

In martial arts we don’t want gaps in our movement or intention. In recovery they are super necessary.

When things get rocky, a mindful interruption can help. Sitting with a gap on the uneven road to recovery can feel like hell at first, but it can also lead to peace of mind instead of relapse.

I’m glad I have a practice where I am able to become aware of my many gaps and interruptions. Practice is my time and place to deconstruct my thoughts and actions; where light is provided to shine on my closed mind, old ideas, and body tensions.

A practice can bring freedom to explore and understand, that at times it is good to float without a solution — to wait and nurture a gap or embrace an interruption. Change comes and turn around points are revealed. Only then we can better understand how to fill the voids, get comfortable, and ride the unevenness of life.

I’m learning not to underestimate the desire and power to bolt or run, and not to fill a gap too quickly. I believe most of us are working towards the same goal of being comfortable in our own skin. Sometimes an interruption in the action can help enlighten us on this uneven and worthy endeavour.

I am a list maker.

Each day I write down all the things that need doing or that I’d like to do. If I didn’t do something on the list, it gets transfer over to today’s list and I give great intentions to doing what ever I didn’t do the day before.
Today’s list includes a few things that are perpetually on the list, because even if I do them, they need doing again.

These items include, but are not limited to
1. Call Sandie
2. Write Anna, Betty, send a birthday card to Susan.
3. Skype Allyson
4. Figure out what to do with stuff
5. Answer the emails that have been in my inbox for over a month
6. Practice
7. Read, write and post

Of course each day I add to the list depending on what is in front of me; pay bills, call the insurance people, buy eggs, blah, blah, blah… These are the mundane, yet important things that my life is made up of. You would think I don’t need to write them down to get them accomplished — but I do.

Most things on my list are the same as yesterday, three months ago and even last year.

I suppose I use a list to remind me to participate in my life.

Remember back in January when our hot water heater blew? The Harry Potter room at the foot of the stairs in our basement was flooded.

We had the big idea to file a home insurance claim to get it all fixed instead of being the “DIY” we usually are.

Well, here it is March and it still isn’t finished. It has been a bit of circus. Our insurance company is both very helpful and total idiots.

The helpful part is that they fall all over themselves on the phone with, “Yes, Mrs. Parker, that is terrible, and oh how sorry we are, and let’s see what we can do to help.” But the truth is they are idiots, being ripped off, scammed and passing the cost of the drama on to their policy holders. Duh….

For starters they hired a construction company to do the work from Vancouver Island. The cost they have been quoted for the work is $7,000. And that includes over $700. in ferry costs. No shit!

Can you imagine the kind of basement room Ken and I would have with $7,000.

Instead, the Harry Potter room, with the exception of a bit of new drywall, the kitchen in the apt. and the back yard still looks just like it did the day after the flood in January.

I could go on and on and on and on, and at times, I feel like I do. I’m really sick of it. I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone in the last three months with, well anyone who would talk to me, including the owner of the insurance company.

The latest update is that today — TODAY  is the day they come to install the new zillion dollar carpet and we are almost close to completion of this claim. Of course there is still the clean up of soggy crap that is sitting in the yard waiting to be hauled away.

Years ago, I was told by my lawyer friend Joe, “The insurance company is not your friend, no matter how nice they are when you talk to them.” Wiser words I’m sure have been uttered, and probably by Ghandi, Einstein, or Jim. But, in this context, Joe is the wise one here.

I had a good practice on the front porch this morning, so I’m not holding my breath for the promises of the day.

I’m not a fan of daylight saving time in the mornings. I appreciate the light 12 hours later, when the day stretches on, but in the mornings, it is just plain dark here.

I also like to navigate myself around the house in the dark when I wake up.

Usually I know where everything is, I have habits and can find my slippers, Peet’s food, most corners and doors without a lot of banging around.

This morning I made it all the way into the hall way and as I pushed my open palm towards the light switch of the bathroom, my finger caught the wall and my fingernail was met by something stronger than it.

I have not experienced childbirth, (I hear it hurts) but I have experienced the pain of a ripped apart hamstring, a broken heart and the grief of a loved one dying.

And now I can say that a bent back fingernail is a pain that can drop me.

I used to boast how I’ve never played a computer game.

Then Allyson gave an ipad.

That’s right, she gave me an ipad! It was for Today’s Step work. Really it was. And to be fair, I have used it for just that purpose many times. The Today’s Step PDF presentation that we show to treatment centres is on it. It works slick as can be. I also use the ipad to download other apps that are used in the recovery field. This way we can see what the “competition” has to offer.

When the ipad first came out I heard it was for consuming — not so much for production. Today I understand that even when I tell myself it’s for work.

It all started in the ferry line up one rainy and cloudy day. As I waited for the boat to come in, I downloaded Card Shark. It has 12 different games of solitaire and was free. Yup – harmless enough. I play two games, Spider and FreeCell. Then before I knew it hours slipped by and not just when I waited for the boat.

Then, as if Facebook and the Bowen Forum wasn’t time suck enough, I found Words with Friends. My life is over. I am obsessed.

I tell myself it’s good for my brain. That working with words is good for me, that is makes me smarter, and will keep me from getting Alzheimer’s.

At first I was shy and only played with Allyson. She understood I was new at this and wouldn’t mind if I played 6 point words like cat or 3 pointers like tin. I’m not in it to win, just want to work my brain a bit.

But… Allyson is busy. She has two kids, a wife, dog and cat, and work. Sometimes she didn’t take her turn for hours, and being the patient person that I am, I hit the new game button and asked to play with a random partner. Oh boy — there’s no going back now.

Today, I have seven games going with three different players. My obsessive nature took over and I’m hooked.

Right now I have the letters QUPIANO in one game! These are good letters! A lot of point potential right? Alas I have no play with them and will probably put down the word ONE on the board and be resigned to collect my usual three to six points again.

I haven’t won a game yet — and I really don’t mind. Allyson is generous and the random players don’t know me, and they are the ones who ask for a rematch.

Oh, gotta go. Kirk232 just played and I can put down the word BAKER for 18!

P.S. If you play Words with Friends, watch out for someone who calls themselves “crusto” — they have a way with words and is kicking my butt. (or as we say in Canada — bum.)