Ken took this photo – I like it.

We meet on the couch
Shen rests deep on dan tien
Pure breath placement bliss.

Happy birthday to my dear friend Joe!

Here’s my birthday promise to you… the next time I see you, I’ll buy lunch!

But for today — all I’m interested in doing is eating blueberries, one right after another.

I was out mowing the grass on the training field. Yes, that “training field”. As I went around and around with the mower, I swear I saw every teacher and every student again. I re-learned every lesson and remembered every practice that field has ever hosted. It was great.

I didn’t even have to squint to see where Ted and Nick had that fight and Sam had them resolve it with the 108. I mowed the spot where Steven scattered his pocket change on the ground, and when he showed up wearing a sweatshirt with a drunk reindeer on the front asking for “More Nogegg Please,” I’m pretty sure Sam and I bonded for the long haul right then and there. The training field is where we played Squish ball, sacrificing limbs for vitals, and dreamed of becoming the Squish Ball Champions of the World.

Dr. Yang taught sword here and Master Liang taught san shou. Gerald roared with laughter and I cried during every lesson for about three years. One day out there, Sam punched me in the nose and I swear I saw stars and birds tweeting around my head just like in the cartoons. I remember the exact day Jim surpassed my skill level, and l was grateful he wouldn’t realize it for at least another year.

Who was that guy from Texas who stuck his sabre in the big rubber exercise ball? Paul, he wore a winter coat in August because up here in the North, he was just so cold! Lois was mistaken for Big John, Anna and Jim sword sparred while smoking cigarettes, and Christine and I laughed so hard, we fell to the ground — then both of us peed a little, making us laugh even harder.

Sheila’s spot is by the tree bench, Colin stands by the bamboo, and Kim lifted her head up here and I watched her spirit rise. The training field is where Dorian had her first lesson, Susan held her own, and John and Diane gave tai chi history lessons wearing matching Tilly hats. Ken yelled out the window that we should all ask for refunds! Laura sang in the field on talent night. Come to think of it, so did Gay. Pat played the dideredo, and Peet chased a deer. I remember lessons with Ed, Taso, Ron, and Bobby. I saw Ed and Bobby last Saturday – but it’s been years since I’ve seen Taso or Ron. Remember that woman who told Sam that he was doing it “wrong” and that he wasn’t in his hip track? And Tam with the strange last name, created a #9 with the 1 to 8 — a kick to the head that I’m grateful we don’t practice much.

There was that class that wore sacks of beans on their head for the entire 108. Lucy is buried out there. We’ve held intensive trainings, weekly classes, potlucks, private lessons, and talent shows out there. We built community.

Today as I run the lawn mower over the thick rich grass, chopping up multiple four leaf clovers, I remember how many times I thought the lawn would never come back to life, because of all the da lu and moving step training. Yet, this field is qi filled and rich.

A zillion memories danced though me today. It has been fun to remember and I am grateful. What is your training field memory? I’d love to hear it.

I went to my first ever NA meeting last night.

Funny how I’ve been in recovery half my life yet, I never once went to an NA, CA, SA, OA, GA or Al-anon meeting. I guess the fact that walking into AA, all those years ago seem to work for me,  so I just settled in. I never even thought to branch out.

I also never really considered myself a drug addict.
Denial can run deep and labels can get in the way of the truth.

It’s true enough that in the “olden days” I took and abused plenty of drugs, but my DOC (drug of choice) was always booze. Drugs scared me. I was always afraid that I would overdose with drugs. It never even dawned on me that every time I drank to black out – I was overdosing. Funny what we can tell ourselves.

I have no problem saying I’m an alcoholic — and today with close to 29 years of “clean time”. I have no doubt that I am an addict. Period. And as Kumar would say, end of sentence, end of day.

Today none of this is a big deal to me AND it is everything. I am healthy, clean, straight, sober and whatever label that is out there — if it fits, I’ll wear it. And if there is a program, club, circle or practice that supports, inspires and comforts me – I’ll go there.

I’m glad I went to NA last night. Partly because it was new to me, but mostly because of the message I heard. There is a specific language used in recovery. NA has its own and it’s different from AA talk. They use the 12 steps as a guide and god is mentioned in the literature, but that wasn’t the focus. What I heard was “don’t use and you have a good shot at life.”

No matter how I identify myself, that’s a good message.

Dumbo the elephant could fly, but he thought he could fly because he held a feather.

It was his mouse friend Timothy, that persuades Dumbo to do what he thinks he can’t by using the psychological trick of a “magic feather” boosting Dumbo’s confidence.

At the circus Dumbo had to perform a stunt of jumping from a really high building and on his way down, Dumbo loses the feather and again it is Timothy that tells him that the feather was never magical, and that he is still able to fly. Dumbo is able to pull out of the dive and flies around the circus.

As someone with ADD and OCD, I have given power to many magical feathers in my life. It has taken years of practice, and day by day, and one by one, I have been able to let go of several make believe props that I gave power to, the ones that have held my confidence and courage.

I am not against using a crutch, a symbol or prayer in life, when and if you need the help to get through the day. And without sounding too much like Rob Brezsny, I would suggest, identifying the magic feathers in your life, and then testing them every so often just to see if what was… was and what is… is.

Was it Pete Seger or Jesus that said, Turn, turn, turn?

Life is what it is. Drama, trauma, joy and celebration.

Turn, turn, turn. Just yesterday, I was able to stick my nose into a big bouquet of lilacs, played tai chi in the park and had the privilege of sharing interesting conversation with friends over lunch. I got to laugh with my sifu, talk with a classmate about how he is handling being the full time caregiver to his partner who has early onset Alzheimer’s. I realized I missed teaching, when I gave a short lesson to a student of a student.

Turn, turn, turn. It is a Mothers Day without mothers for me and Ken. Bodi the cat and Cisco the dog died this week, they were beloved family pets of friends. I know the sadness, emptiness, and hurt they are probably feeling right now. My thoughts are with Jim and heather and Roger and Laura. I know they are wandering, because for probably the first time in about 100 years, they have no critter to pet, nap with or feed. No kitty in the house  to entertain or dog to take walking today.

All or nothing isn’t a part of my world right now. There is joy and heartbreak in my world – sometimes just moments apart.
Turn, turn, turn.

I’m not sure when I posted this story, maybe 4 or 5  years ago — but this morning, as I was rifling through some “old ideas” I came across it. I think I’ll start a “Say it again Saturday” series. I say the same thing over and over again anyway — and some stories are worth repeating. Plus, this will give me a chance to sort through my files and maybe polish things up a bit. Yes ma’am, blue bikes and shiny!
….
Walkin or talkin
A young girl went to her father one afternoon. “Tell me about sex”. She asked. The father stumbled and hemmed and hawed and then finally said, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” The girl, let out a big sigh, “Well, because I don’t really want to know that much about it”.

Ken once told me that, I tend to hit people with a fire-hose of information, when I’m asked about tai chi. He said most people are being polite and they are really just asking for a sip of water from the vast well.

I’ve taken years to learn this lesson. Perhaps it’s because I found passion and excitement in this art. I enthusiastically want to share it. I want to tell everyone how great it is, and that the practice of tai chi changed my life, and could probably change theirs too.  I want them to see that it is not just a bunch of slow dance like movements for old people or hippies. The study of tai chi is hard, deep, and huge work. I want everyone to know that the art is alive and well in hearts and legs of people like me. I’ve talked so much about Tai Chi that in some circles I’m known as “Tai Chi Jan”.

Nowadays, I’m learning to keep it simple when asked about the art and my part in it. I understand that not everyone wants to know so much. So, I temper my answers. Sometimes I don’t even talk about it, I bite my tongue and smile when I hear someone say they did tai chi once.

The other day I read one of those little slogans that help us get through life… you know, bumper sticker philosophy. I read, “Talk and walk are only one letter, but worlds apart”. Ain’t it the truth! I can talk all I want to about tai chi, but my practice of it is what counts. I walk in the benefits of my own work.

I didn’t know when I began to learn that this practice would reveal to me who I am. I didn’t know the study would reveal so much and go so deep. I thought it would be a Tuesday night nice exercise class. I was surprised when I found out I was studying a martial art. Yet, persistent mindful movement has become the safe place for me to explore my all of fears, doubts, dramas, traumas as well as my joys and celebrations. How can I explain that to anyone simply?

I’ve heard it said, that Tai Chi people talk too much. We can. Most of the Tai Chi people I know like talking about what is going on in their practice because it affects everything else in their life. “Look what I’m learning,” we tend to exclaim.

I find learning is the greatest expression of creativity; not the just consumption of information. For me walking in that expression is more interesting and speaks much louder than anything I could possibly say.

Well, there goes my day!

Thanks Jenny.

I have work to do.

And in the time it took to write that sentence and this one — I got up to look out the window because a deer is in the training field. I wondered if the hummingbird feeder is empty and went out front to check it. I went to the washroom, brushed my teeth, and put my hair in a pony tail and then braids, then back to a pony tail. I also poured myself another cup of coffee, got a glass of water, and on the way back to my desk, I looked for my gloves that went missing last winter.

I’m grateful that something shiny or worse yet — a blue bike didn’t enter the picture, or I’d really be distracted!