March 16th, 2015 by Jan

I started a black and white quilt when Kim was sick. I struggled with it and put it away when we started packing and moving. I’ve pulled it out three times now and am just this side of putting it away again.

I’ve added some red and blue to the black and white and thought I knew how this quilt would honour her. In my artsy fartsy way, I see the symbols of penguins and New Mexico red chile! (pure Kim).

If you are new to this bloggy thing — and I’m pretty sure the three of you that read this, are not. You know I make quilts when loved ones die.

Actually, I’ve been a quilter for over 30 years. I started quilting to give myself something to do in my first year of sobriety. I continue because the process of cutting fabric up and sewing it all back together again gives me not only comfort, but a nice blanket. Over the last 10 or 15 years, making quilts has been one way I grieve.

Brother Bill’s quilt just about made itself. Angry angles and jagged edges came together in a warm and healing way though cutting up old fabric and sewing it all back together.

Kim’s quilt is another story.

I am really struggling with it. It just seems wrong, no matter what I do. I add colours, concepts, more. It is getting bigger and bigger. I try different. I make it smaller, cut it all up again, run to the fabric store for that missing piece. I add a border, throw it all off balance, and never once consider tradition.

It’s just so wrong. It seems so cliché.

I’m pissed off. I miss her. I am not working though anything with this process.

I realize it’s probably because, as far as I can tell, Kim’s death is all so wrong.

Fucking cancer.


Update: the seam ripper has come out – I’m starting over.

4 thoughts on “Toocliché

  1. Laura B

    Too bad that quilts tend to be so linear. I sense that something circular would better represent Kim and your feelings.

    Sometimes not considering tradition is good, and yet we are still held inside its borders.

  2. Laur

    So maybe this one is the fuck cancer quilt, sure seems like it. And maybe the quilt for Kim will come through you by and by, when you and it are ready to work it together. Hugs.


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