I’ll say it again…

May 5th, 2012 by Jan

I don’t  think things happen for a reason. I think things happen.

I know we like to attach reason to the shit we don’t understand. We get kicked in the gut with news, and to make it easier to understand or accept, we tell ourselves, or worse yet, others tell us, “everything happens for a reason.”

I don’t think so. Shit happens, good stuff and bad — cycle of life, you know. How we rearrange ourselves when we get thrown off course is not as imprtant as THAT we rearrange ourself. My practice is all about seeking comfort and finding my feet, head and heart —my equilibrium again and again. I need to practice because some of the things that happen in life, will take this push hands expert down to her knees.

Saying, “Things happen for a reason” is a nice way to buy time or catch a breath, when acceptance of the reality is just too hard.

Today marks the 9th anniversary of my mothers death. She didn’t die for any good reason, she died by mistake. Mom had a heart attack a few days after her 75th birthday, she underwent heart bi-pass surgery, and died on the operating table. I will never know if it was an accident or if the doctor fucked up. Maybe mom panicked under anaesthesia and took the out. I do know she absolutely had no intention of dying on that day, in that way. Yet, she did.

I think it was a mistake, an accident — shit happens. And no matter what, mom is mom, and life without mom is the shits.

During the last nine years I’ve thought about my mother way more often than I did when she was alive. I’ve come to know her, to understand and to love her. I miss her very much.

On May 5th, every year since 2003, I say the same thing. And every year I say it with more acceptance and less regret. So, for the ninth year in a row, I’ll say it again.

Knowing what I know today – I would have been a better daughter.

Alice Frances Chamber Hudson Del Dosso


4 thoughts on “I’ll say it again…

  1. heather

    Death anniversaries are always hard but it sounds like you have found your way to honor your mom and that is great.

    I agree that I’ve come to the conclusion that events and shit that happens don’t have inherent meaning, but the meaning we give to them. Although I don’t think assigning personal meaning to significant things in our lives is necessarily a bad thing or a cop out.

    Humans need meaning and if you find one that helps you grow, learn or be a better person, that feels true to you, then I think that makes it a real thing. And actually a pretty valuable thing.

  2. Jan Post author

    I’ll agree with you heather – we give meaning to happening – but I don’t think they are waiting for us to discover them.

  3. Laur

    Not that I know a lot, but from the photos you’ve posted, I see a whole lot of your Mom in you. The apple, not far from the tree.


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