I realize I donâ€™t write when I should. I write when I do. I guess that is how everyone lives. We practice when we do, we call when we do, we participate when we do.
Certainly not when we should. Because I think I should be writing and documenting this move. I assume others are interested in what Ken and I are doing during this time of change. But, I also learned when Allyson and I were producing Todayâ€™s Step, that other people, even close friends, were not near as excited about what we were doing as we were. It was like a cold splash of water in the face.
Good thing I know, our friends are the best in the world and for anyone to be interested in our day in and day outs is above and beyond the call of friendship.
Writing a bloggy thing and posting into the world is saying something like, â€œLook at me, Iâ€™m doing stuff.â€ So when I am really doing stuff and donâ€™t write about it, it seems weird.
What Iâ€™m doing is not near as interesting as what Iâ€™m thinking â€” at least it is to me. I know I am more interested in what people think, and not as much in what they do. Although, after seeing what we do, we usually follow up with, what WERE you thinking?
We are ready to leave Bowen Island.
My thoughts are on my brother Bill. When Bill was younger he was always pretty mean. He would butt heads, yell and throw his fists around as he walked thought life. I remember talking to my step-dad Jack, about it. I asked him why Bill was so angry; always bucking up against my mom and Jack.
Jack said, it was the way he needed to be. He had to have a reason to go out on his own. Sometimes people need a fist in the air to say, fuck it and walk away. Bill didnâ€™t have a path of rose petals laid out in front of him to follow into the world. Most of us donâ€™t have a yellow brick road guiding the way to the new and unknown.
Iâ€™d like to think Iâ€™m not leaving Bowen with my fist in the air. This place has been good to us. We have a safe and comfortable home. Weâ€™ve met wonderful people and had incredible opportunities because we came here. We said Yes, far more often than we said no.
Yet, as the time gets closer for us to leave, I find myself short with people, places and things. (Or as my AA sponsor used to sayâ€¦ Jan, you have trouble with nouns.)
I know Iâ€™m prickly and can be a bit short with folks. Ed used to call me Cactus. Deep in my heart I am happy and joyful, but there is a bit of my fist in the air right now as we get ready to leave.
Maybe, I have it up there because, like my brother, Iâ€™m a little scared and feel the need to make it a bit easier to leave this wonderful island home.