I use this bloggy thing as a private/public diary where I practice writing skills and at times sort my thoughts. This post is an example of thinking out loud.

When I was growing up and in school, I constantly wondered at how some of my classmates knew stuff that I didn’t.

For example, how did Mark Hartshorn, who sat in front of me from grade one on, (because Hartshorn came before Hudson in the seating chart), know about the ACLU? He knew who the leaders were, what it stood for, and could shared other tidbits of information, that I had no clue about.

In my early years I thought, people either knew stuff or they didn’t. I stayed quiet with my ignorance.

Ignorance is today’s word and topic.

The dictionary says, the word ignorance is a noun. A lack of knowledge or information. It can describe a person in a state of being unaware, and can also describe someone who deliberately ignores or disregards information or facts.

Jeepers, how fitting for the life and times we are living today.

It is hard to believe anyone would choose to ignore information, and yet… we do it all the time.

Still, I like to think that I fall on the side of the ignorant person that just doesn’t know… yet.

Both are correct according to the dictionary. But in practice, the difference is huge. One is forgivable and the other appalling.

I think of myself as a lifelong learner, someone who is curious, yet struggles with her brain. I know I am teachable and able to learn. Yet, somethings are harder for me to grasp than others.

Math is an example.

I can add using my fingers, I keep track of the family finances and pay our bills, yet, I draw a complete blank at multiplication and division problems. I cannot imagine figuring out higher maths skills  like, algebra or calculus. I run to Ken for answers when I can’t figure out how to lay out a quilt or if I need to see how many “whatevers” go into how many “something or others.” Please don’t ask me to keep score or add up my dominos on game night.

My struggle with numbers and math is real. I don’t think of myself as lazy and I do try to figure stuff out on my own. My brain will just plain stop working, when I come across certain problems. No amount of explanation can clear the fog. On these occasions, I tend to tear up, and walk away.

I stay ignorant.

Now, I have new information and I have to wonder if I choose not to learn.

Am I staying ignorant on purpose? Do I struggle because I can’t learn, as my brain fogs up, or do I not want to learn because it is hard, and I’m okay with this shadow?

Yikes!

I know today, Mark Hartshorn knew stuff I didn’t, because his home life was different from mine. His parents probably read to him or they discussed stuff at the dinner table. That didn’t happen in our home. Growing up, I was told I was stupid and I believed it.

I was a mature adult before I was able to see myself as smart. And to this day, when anyone shines or shits, on my intelligence, I get emotional and tear up.

Perhaps, I fall too easy on the side of can’t. Maybe it is more comfortable for me to think, I can’t learn math. Have I really made up my mind and decided that I won’t?

The opposite of ignorance according to the dictionary is education and awareness. Perhaps, as we are seeing in Washington these days, ignorance is also a decision we can get trapped in.

I’ve a lot to think about today.