Hi! Remember me?
I think about this bloggy thing every day, bu it seems writing here isn’t a priority now.
Plus, at times I feel this bloggy thing, is a one way street. I blather on about my thoughts and adventures, but I don’t get to hear what you, the readers are up to. Still, Grandma said, you gotta write ’em to get ’em. So I write.
Why I am I writing today?
Thirty-three years ago, I said I’d try life without drinking.
So far so good. To drink now would just be weird, and yet I think about it.
I imagine sitting on the deck with a small glass of scotch, or brandy, or cough syrup, and enjoying the evening view. I don’t know what the reality of that act would be though.
They say, I will “go back” to where I left off. If that is true, it would be … not good.
There is a giant part of me though, that constantly wants to test it. I think I am different — that I could be a responsible adult, that all would be well, and I could join the “normal” folk who have a glass once in a while. But, after 33 years I admit I am brainwashed into thinking if I drink, I will strip my clothes off, run naked down the street, punch a cop, end up in a Mexican jail with gum in my hair, and barf on my shoes.
So, I don’t drink.
I know a lot of folks think alcoholism is a disease. Today I’m not sure and am thinking out loud.
What kind of disease blames the person for not “wanting” it enough to be well? A disease we are told only a spiritual connection to a made up god can heal. One where a lot of professionals and loved ones abandoned you if “give in” to cravings and relapse.
Today, I think of my alcoholism more like an injury, than a sickness.
Similar to when I blew my leg out water-skiing years ago. I really hurt myself. It took years to heal. I had to go to rehab, and help was necessary to get me walking again, it was a long and hard road. Still today, my leg cramps and at times, I still have trouble walking. The scar tissue from that injury is deep. I am crooked and compensate when I stand. But I do stand and I can walk!
I hurt myself and others when I drank. I had to focus on getting better for a long time.
Not drinking was a big part of it. I also got outside support, and it was imperative for me to learn who I am. As a result, I’ve been able to heal (not heel, #trumpyoufucker).
I say with great gratitude that I have a pretty cool life, with a pretty cool partner, today.
I’ve healed most of my injuries. Still, after all these years, there are some deep scars, and I continue to stand a bit crooked and constantly… I compensate.