August 20th, 2017 by Jan

Hi! Remember me?

I think about this bloggy thing every day, bu it seems writing here isn’t a priority now.

Plus, at times I feel this bloggy  thing, is a one way street. I blather on about my thoughts and adventures, but I don’t get to hear what you, the readers are up to. Still, Grandma said, you gotta write ’em to get ’em. So I write.

Why I am I writing today?

Thirty-three years ago, I said I’d try life without drinking.

So far so good. To drink now would just be weird, and yet I think about it.

I imagine sitting on the deck with a small glass of scotch, or brandy, or cough syrup, and enjoying the evening view. I don’t know what the reality of that act would be though.

They say, I will “go back” to where I left off. If that is true, it would be … not good.

There is a giant part of me though, that constantly wants to test it. I think I am different — that I could be a responsible adult, that all would be well, and I could join the “normal” folk who have a glass once in a while. But, after 33 years I admit I am brainwashed into thinking if I drink, I will strip my clothes off, run naked down the street, punch a cop, end up in a Mexican jail with gum in my hair, and barf on my shoes.

So, I don’t drink.

I know a lot of folks think alcoholism is a disease. Today I’m not sure and am thinking out loud.

What kind of disease blames the person for not “wanting” it enough to be well? A disease we are told only a spiritual connection to a made up god can heal. One where a lot of professionals and loved ones abandoned you if “give in” to cravings and relapse.

Today, I think of my alcoholism more like an injury, than a sickness.

Similar to when I blew my leg out water-skiing years ago. I really hurt myself. It took years to heal. I had to go to rehab, and help was necessary to get me walking again, it was a long and hard road. Still today, my leg cramps and at times, I still have trouble walking. The scar tissue from that injury is deep. I am crooked and compensate when I stand. But I do stand and I can walk!

I hurt myself and others when I drank. I had to focus on getting better for a long time.

Not drinking was a big part of it. I also got outside support, and it was imperative for me to learn who I am. As a result, I’ve been able to heal (not heel, #trumpyoufucker).

I say with great gratitude that I have a pretty cool life, with a pretty cool partner, today.

I’ve healed most of my injuries. Still, after all these years, there are some deep scars, and I continue to stand a bit crooked and constantly… I compensate.

5 thoughts on “12,053

  1. Kathy

    This story has such an unsettling effect on me. And it really is not my business. I guess because I come from the other side of it. I so appreciate your honesty. Being brave enough to voice such naked truth and musings is not something to take lightly. We don’t talk about these things in my family. Thanks, Jan.

  2. Wendy Jones

    Congratulations! 33 years, whew, good long time. The Canadian AA only wants you to have a higher power, it could be Mother Earth, Nature, The Universe etc.. The US one says the Lord’s Prayer at the end of the meeting!!!! At any rate the ‘Big Book’ is flawed, it is patriarchal and misogynistic…one has to bypass all that and laugh it off to work the program, and the program is good. Crooked Jan, we love you anyway you are and we already knew you were straight :D.

    1. Jan Post author

      Thanks for this Wendy. I no longer attend AA. It helped me for years and then I changed. The big book was written at a particular time in history and it served, but like so much in addiction and the world – change is important to survive and flourish. Still, the big book is the book I learned to read with, so I appreciated its simplicity. However, I continue to refuse to give any power to a god that either I or anyone else makes up; and that includes nature and the universe for me. Reality is fascinating enough for me.

  3. Nancy

    Yes. I really think you articulated the source… it’s an injury not a disease and healing is long and slow and worth every focus and refocusing again and again. An injury has a history and story one can hopefully locate and explore, a disease just happens to us so it’s hard to See and fix. Kudos Jan ???


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