September 27th, 2013 by Jan

I wonder how many times I’ve written about letting go? I’d guess abut a million. And, if I’m not writing about it, I’m thinking about it, and it seems to me, I’m just this side of being able to practice it.

Why do I feel the need to control others around me? What voice of reason shouts to me, that does not speak to others. Why do I feel that I am right and they are wrong, that it is my duty and responsibility to grab on tight and shake and fist pump in the air until someone, anyone… tells me I am right, they are sorry, and now everything will change, all because I was tenacious enough and held on long enough for the world to finally come around to my side of things?

But that isn’t happening and it’s driving me batty! So in my eternal pursuit of a comfortable life and lessons learned; I will once again — try.

I am much better at letting go of physical stuff. The options with those are simple — sell, give or toss. What I struggle with are the old stories and resentments. What yard sale is being held for that kind of crap? Can eBay take my frustration?

I guess with the stuff I hang on to in my heart and really want to let go of, the only option I see is toss. It would just be mean to give them away, and only a fool would buy them.

So, here I am again working on letting go. Tossing out old ideas and old crap that does not serve me.

Today, I need to ask my family what day the garbage truck comes to the neighbourhood so I can be ready.

2 thoughts on “lettinggoagain

  1. heather

    Feel ya Jan. Hang with it. I don’t think you will miss that stuff once it’s gone. Hope not anyhow because I am working hard at tossing “old” stuff right now too.

  2. Laura B

    Jan, so many times it seems as if you speak my own thoughts and feelings. Today is such a day.

    I have wrestled and struggled with these questions for so long. And as I hear myself speaking the words “I struggle” I always remember John Camp and how he would tell me that the only way through whatever is blocking me in my taichi is to be non-oppositional. How shall I be non-oppositional in this?

    I remember Osman saying that when I hold out for an apology I am putting myself under the control of the other person, because I can’t move on until I get what I want from that person or that situation. When I think of this, I imagine myself like the creator of Hsing-Yi, dragging a ball and chain back and forth across the cell in which I am imprisoned. And yet, out of that he created a wonderful art.

    And I think of all the times I’ve been told that the things I want to get rid of, that I dislike in myself and my thoughts, are the things that helped me to get where I am. And I don’t want to be ungrateful – I want to say thanks, and wave good-bye, yet a deep part of me thinks they’ll never really leave me. Whenever it seems I have let go, and live comfortably in my self for a while….there they are again, bubbling up from deep inside, confronting me again with the realization that I haven’t really let go. Still, I think it’s worthwhile to be in those situations, because we’re never really finished with anything (it seems to me).

    Thanks again for this post, Jan, and safe journeys along your path.


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